


Drunkard's Prayer

by foxtales



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Cheeky Hammond, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Ridiculous Levels of Snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:21:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22423249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxtales/pseuds/foxtales
Summary: Jeremy's mouth snapped shut, but the damage was already done.  The best he could hope for was to contain the fallout.
Relationships: Jeremy Clarkson/Richard Hammond
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	Drunkard's Prayer

**Author's Note:**

> Ages ago, suggsygirl gave me a prompt something along the lines of "drunk!Jez accidentally lets slip that he finds Hammond sexy; Hammond returns the favor at the end of a long night of piss-taking." As it is that esteemed person's birthday today, I am (at long last) sharing the rest of the story. Happy birthday, suggsygirl, I hope you like it. =D
> 
> This has been lovingly combed through by duckduck,giddy_london and pippinmctaggart many thanks to you awesome ladies for your thoughts and suggestions. 
> 
> Title from Over the Rhine.

Jeremy's mouth snapped shut, but the damage was already done. The best he could hope for was to contain the fallout.

"Jeremy - I'm sorry, but did you just say that you think Hammond is sexy?" James' eyebrows disappeared under his hair in surprise.

"No," Jeremy immediately denied, looking everywhere but at either of his companions. Christ, James' dining room and kitchen were fucking spotless - it just wasn't normal for a single man to be so clean and orderly.  
  
"Yes, you did!" Hammond exclaimed, pounding his palm on James' table hard enough to rattle the plates and cutlery. "You said I was sexy! You _did_! We heard you, mate!" he continued, loud and exuberant, following up with several high pitched giggles.

"I don't think anyone can hear anything after what you just did, Hamster," Jeremy said, touching his ears with his fingers. "Am I bleeding, May?"

"No. And you're not getting away with pretending that you didn't just say Richard Hammond was sexy, either."

"That wasn't what I said." They both immediately started to disagree, but Jeremy simply plowed through their protests. "It _wasn't_. I said that _people_ found Hammond to be sexy."

"And right after that you said, 'and I agree!' You're not getting out of it!" Richard said, his eyes twinkling with laughter.

"Obviously the two of you are as deaf as you are stupid. Hammond, get over yourself, and May, stop projecting your desires onto me."

"You can't tell me to 'get over myself' right after you've said you find me sexy, Jez," Richard pointed out whilst James spluttered in the background.

"Oh for--I didn't _tell_ you anything. I wasn't even looking at you when I said that!"

"HA!" Richard crowed, clapping his hands together as his face lit up with a triumphant grin. Jeremy considered that he was now in Very Deep Trouble.

***

It had continued in that vein all night; Richard rabbiting on about his amazing powers of sexual persuasion and James poking at Jeremy's 'newly discovered homosexualist tendencies'. It hadn't even dissuaded them when he had shot back that he wasn't sure which of the two of them was more of a woman. Their having a continuous go at him had been annoying and childish, but Jeremy thought that he had gotten off fairly lightly all things considered. Until James had taken himself off to bed, leaving Jeremy alone with Hammond.

"So..."

"Shut up, Hamster. If I have to hear about your "sex quotient" one more time I'm going to kill us both."

Hammond laughed and stood up, coming round the table to stand close to him. "But Jeremy, don't you want to know that I think the same of you?"

"What, that I'm an irritating twat who can't shut up?"

"No, that I think you're sexy."

"Oh yes, completely believable, that," Jeremy scoffed. "Stop taking the piss, Hammond."

"I'm not."

At Richard's serious tone, Jeremy's eyes narrowed. "You expect me to believe that you find an old, fat, balding man to be sexy? You're fucking mental, even beyond the damage already suffered by your hamster brain."

Richard did none of the things that Jeremy expected him to - there was no witty rejoinder, no snort (of either agreement or annoyance), no eye-rolling or sighing exaggeratedly. No, Richard did the one thing Jeremy had no immediate defence against - he climbed onto his lap, rubbed his semi-hard cock against Jeremy's and then kissed him when his mouth dropped open in surprise. With tongue.

Completely flummoxed by this turn of events, Jeremy did what surely anyone would have in the same circumstances - he grabbed Richard's hips and ground up against him as he leaned into the kiss. It was messy and they couldn't seem to find an angle that allowed for easy access, but it was Richard Hammond's tongue in his mouth and it was therefore worth any awkwardness.

They broke apart after a very enthusiastic minute, breath heavy and uneven, pricks straining. Jeremy swallowed and Richard watched the motion of his Adam's apple like he wanted to memorise it. Then his dark eyes were on Jeremy's face again, and they were hiding nothing.

Jeremy inhaled sharply, knowing his own eyes had given away the depth of his want as Richard's steady gaze became even darker and more heavy-lidded.

"I expect you to believe that I find _you_ sexy," he rasped, pressing down harder.

"Hammond--"

"Shut up, Jez," Richard commanded. He lowered his head to grate, "Do you have any idea how long I've wanted this? Wanted _you_? So just shut the fuck up for once in your stupid life, why don't you," into Jeremy's ear.

Jeremy gave a low moan as Richard sucked his earlobe into his mouth, his teeth closing on the tender flesh and dragging down before he released and nosed the sensitive skin behind Jeremy's ear.

"Didn't think this would ever happen - me across your lap, feeling your cock against mine, even if it is through clothing. God, Jeremy, I've pictured something like this in my mind while I was jerking off, but I never thought I'd _feel_ it."

Richard's voice was gravelly and urgent in his ear and Jeremy thought he might come just from that if Richard kept on.

"I want you to touch me, Jez. I want to feel your hands on my cock."

Jeremy's head fell forward onto Richard's shoulder as he groaned loudly, their hips grinding fast and hard, the building friction exquisite.

"Jeremy." Not a request, a demand.

"Yes," he breathed as he turned his head enough to nip at Richard's neck. Somehow, he found the wherewithal to let go of Richard's hips and get his belt unbuckled. His fingers were too clumsy for buttons, though, and Richard took over, making quick work of both of their flies.

Jeremy wasted no time in reaching into Richard's Calvins and grasping his dick, pulling it out and giving it two strong strokes before gripping the base. "Not without me, Hammond," he ground out.

Richard quickly had Jeremy's length in his hand, lifting it out of his shorts, staring down at it. "God, Jez," he said low and uneven as he tightened his grip. "I want--"

Jeremy cut him off by taking his mouth in an urgent kiss. If Richard said one more thing to him in that whisky sandpaper voice, he'd come; Richard wasn't the only one of them who'd had fantasies, damn it. Using his free hand, he covered Richard's, pulling it back just long enough to re-situate Richard's cock next to his, and then he wrapped their hands around both of their shafts.

Richard tore his mouth away as Jeremy started a slow yet strong rhythm. "Fuck, that feels amazing, Jez. _Fuck_."

Now that Jeremy knew what it felt like to have Rich in hand, to feel their erections sliding together, it didn't seem to matter so much if he came like a fucking freight train from Richard's voice. He sped up their motion and it only took a few strokes for Richard to tense and cry out his pleasure against Jeremy's neck. Just three more and Jeremy was coming, whispering Richard's name as he had done so many times before with his cock in hand like this.

It took them a few minutes to recover, and then Jeremy wiped his hand on Richard's shirt.

"Hey!"

"That's what you get for being premature," Jeremy said smugly.

"Fuck you, Clarkson."

"You couldn't keep it up long enough for that, Hammond."

"I've just had one of the best orgasms ever, and now I want to throttle you to within an inch of your life. How do you _do_ that?" Richard sounded impressed.

Jeremy laughed. "It takes years of diligent practise, I assure you."

"Well, stow it for a bit, all right? I rather want you alive for the next round of..." he trailed off, gesturing to their spent cocks.

"There's going to be a next round?"

Richard's eyes met Jeremy's - affection, exasperation and banked heat showing clearly as he offered a small smile. "I think we'll be running an open tab from here on."


End file.
